Better Left Unanswered
by Night Monkey
Summary: The Noah family tries to solve some mysteries that should just be left mysterious.
1. The Mysterious Missing Organs

This is my first attempt at D. Gray-man fanfiction. I owe this to a friend, who turned me on to the series a few months ago.

Better Left Unanswered

Summary: The Noah clan tries to solve some mysteries that should just be left mysterious.

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"What do you think Tyki does with the organs he pulls out of exorcists?"

"Maybe he has them preserved in a jar! If he does, I want to put a pair of kidneys in my room."

"He probably sells them on the black market."

"Organ meats don't taste sweet."

"Skin, if this conversation is moving too fast for you, go play with Jasdero and his chicken."

"Shut up, Road."

"Yeah, shut up, hi!"

The chicken Jasdero cradled like a doll clucked nonchalantly. Having a brain the size and general texture of a mashed pea, the poultry didn't realize it was in the company of lunatics. It wasn't even aware of the hungry looks Skin was giving it. He looked about one minute from tearing the chicken from Jasdero's hands and frying it in a vat of hot oil.

Devitto, who had started the whole conversation, aimed his gun at Jasdero. "You shut up, stupid. I really want to know what happens to all those guts. I don't want to wake up one morning and have Tyki strangling me with some dead exorcist's spleen."

Road, who knew more anatomy than a girl her age ever should, replied, "You can't strangle someone with a spleen. It's pretty small, like Skin's brain. With an intestine, sure, but a spleen would never work."

Jasdero whispered to his chicken, "Bet she's tried it, hi."

The chicken ruffled its feathers and continued clucking. Jasdero, who had never kept a pet alive for more than three days, squeezed it affectionately. Unfortunately for the fowl, the young Noah's hug was akin to being trapped in the coils of a 15 foot python. The bird's hollow bones began to creak ominously in Jasdero's crushing grasp.

"Hey, 'Dero, stop choking your chicken." Devitto said. He believed his comment was the pinnacle of wit. Road slapped him, proving otherwise.

Jasdero looked down at his chicken, and noticed how contorted it was. "Oops." He quickly released the traumatized bird, which staggered away.

"Anyway, why are you so worried about Tyki and his organs all of a sudden? You were only interesting in stealing his cigarettes before. Did he threaten you or something?" Road asked.

"He threatens me every day. 'If I catch you doing that with my hat ever again, I'll kill you. If you ever come in here again, I'll kick your ass. If you ever feed my Tease broccoli, I'll yank out every tendon in your left hand.'"

"Why the left hand, hi?" Jasdero asked.

"Don't answer." Road groaned.

Jasdero clambered closer to his twin. "I want to know. Why in your left hand?"

"Drop it or I'll get out the candles." Road said.

Jasdero winced and wisely retreated. He decided he'd better go and find some food for his chicken, before it starved or Road lost her temper and made everyone in the room regret ever being curious. The Noah gathered up his new pet and hurried off to the kitchen to find something chickens liked to peck.

"I feel smarter all ready. You know, Devitto, your brother might have an extra talent for us to exploit. Whenever he's in a room, everyone else's intelligence drops like a stone. If we could just get him into the exorcists' headquarters, he could disable them all. Then it would so easy for those of us who don't suck to wipe them out." Road said.

Devitto crossed his arms and glared at the girl. So Jasdero was about as smart as a cockroach. That didn't mean Devitto didn't love him, or made their bond as both Noah and brothers any weaker. Sometimes he wished Road would be stricken mute, all though if that happened she'd probably take to writing her insults. In blood.

"Don't look so grumpy. One day your face might freeze like that, and if it did, I'd have to kill you to spare everyone from having to look at you for too long."

In a sudden violent movement, Devitto rose from the chair he was seated in and kicked it across the room. Road yelled in protest and Skin applauded the destruction of furniture simply because he liked seeing things smashed. If stupid Road and even stupider Skin weren't going to be serious, he was getting the hell out of there.

"You owe me a new chair!" Road shouted.

"Go kiss your exorcist boyfriend, or something." Devitto snapped.

A fierce blush colored Road's gray skin a brilliant scarlet. "At least I have someone to kiss!"

"Yeah, too bad he doesn't want to kiss you back."

Road let out a shriek that would have driven most exorcists, except maybe stony, unshakable Kanda, scrambling for cover. Skin whipped his mostly empty head around, looking for a place to hunker down until Hurricane Road blew herself out. Since Road was petite and most of the things in her room followed form, there wasn't much in the way of a cover for a man Skin's size. He settled for tumbling off his strained seat and hiding behind its meager protection.

Several of the candles that provided illumination in Road's room took on a more sinister purpose. They flew at Devitto, their pointed tips aiming to pierce the chair-breaking Noah and turn him into a flaming pincushion.

"Shit!" Devitto said. Being scrawny and quicker on his feet than his twin, the Noah was able to dodge the first candles. Road wasn't going to forgive his rudeness until she saw blood and heard begging. She sent more of the candles after Devitto.

He'd have to be a certified moron to stay here and get skewered like a kabob. Devitto ducked below a seeking candle and reached the door. He was getting the hell out of there, running as fast as possible back to the inhospitable waste dump that was his room, and locking the door. Then he was pushing any garbage-encrusted piece of furniture he owned up against the door.

Just as Devitto escaped into the dark hall, a dozen tapered, striped candles impaled the door. Road shouted again, something about how Devitto owed her a new door and how he was going to die squirming and in great pain. She might have looked like a cute little tomboyish imp, but that girl could hold a grudge. The Noah of Bonds was pretty sure he and Road would be on unstable ground unless he paid her some serious reparations.

While he was concentrating on escaping the often-lethal wrath of Road, Devitto ran into someone. Or rather, he ran _through_ someone.

"Tyki! If you see Road, tell her you didn't see me." Devitto said.

The well-dressed Noah looked down the hall, the noise emanating from Road's room reaching his ears. "What did you do? You weren't stealing her underwear or something like that, were you? If you were being a pervert, I'm going to hold you and let her punch."

"Like I'd want a little kid's panties! Why are you so stupid, Tyki?" Devitto asked.

A malevolent glint appeared in the Noah's golden eyes. "Hey, Road!"

"Shut up! She's got the candles."

"Ah. She's seriously mad then?"

"Duh. Please, Mikk, don't sell me out."

"Tell me what you did, and I might cover for you. Or I might not." Tyki said.

Devitto shifted impatiently. "I asked her a question, and it all went downhill from there."

"What kind of question? Something filthy?"

"No! It was about, uh, you actually." The Noah admitted.

That was something new. The only things the twins were normally absorbed in were their guns, illicit magazines from France, and trying to get booze and cigarettes. They never seemed all that interested in much else, and not in anything Tyki Mikk was up to, unless it was his smokes they were trying to abscond with.

"So, what was the question that started this whole mess?"

Far down the hall, Road's door banged open. Her voice, shriller than usual, warned, "When I get you, I'm going to break your legs and sit on you!"

"I asked her what she thought you did with all the organs and crap you took from exorcists! Okay, can I please go to my room before she finds me?" Devitto said.

Devitto tried to escape, only to have Tyki grab him by the back of his T-shirt and drag him to a halt. "Did you get your answer?"

"I got a couple of them. Let's do this later, all right? She's pissed beyond all reason right now. Damn, I hate those candles."

Tyki grinned, wondering just what kind of warped answers Road had given Devitto. She probably told him Tyki was building the perfect woman, assembled out of the stolen parts of various exorcists. Or maybe Road knew the truth. She had an uncanny way of getting information; of all the Noah family, she was the best at blackmailing the others.

"Tell me what she said and I'll save your hide." Tyki said.

"Road thought you kept the guts in a jar, 'Dero said you probably sold them, and Skin was useless, like always." Devitto said.

The whole clan, except for Lulu and himself, had been in on the conversation. As usual, when the Noah gathered and the Millennium Earl wasn't there to mediate civility, tempers had flared. Tyki was surprised anything productive had come out of the meeting before someone set Road off.

True to his word, Tyki released his hold on Devitto. The teenager quickly flashed him an obscene hand gesture before darting off for safety. The kid's footsteps had faded by the time Road arrived on the scene, her eyes blazing with fire and a dozen candles floating around her.

"Where's Devitto? Tyki, he broke my chair and he's going to pay!"

"Haven't seen him, Road. What's with all the howling, anyway?" Tyki asked.

"I need to kill something!" Road shouted.

"We're Noah; we all get that urge occasionally. Why don't you open a doorway to some remote Tibetan village, and slaughter everyone? Wouldn't that make you feel better?" Tyki said.

Road stomped her foot. "No! It has to be _Devitto_ I kill. He smashed my stuff, not some Tibetan llama herder!"

"Llamas live in Peru, not Tibet. Maybe you should do your homework more often, huh?" Tyki suggested.

The fiery glare the superhuman girl gave Tyki made him wither. When she got herself worked into a state, mentioning homework was like throwing gunpowder into a fire. Holding up his hands in defeat, the Noah of Pleasure backed away.

"All right, go and look for him. I didn't see him come this way, so maybe he's trying to hide in the kitchen or something." Tyki said.

With her pointed vanguard of candles, Road stomped off towards the kitchen. As soon as she was out of sight, Tyki stepped into the wall and made his way for Devitto's room. He supposed he would tell the ungrateful little bastard what became off all those exorcists' bits and pieces.

A mound of garbage, Jasdero's impressive collection of fancy furry boots, and a closet door served as the barricade between Devitto and Road. Tyki was able to bypass the foul-smelling heap by phasing in through the wall like a phantom. In times like this, he was especially grateful for his talents.

"That is disgusting. Are you ever planning on cleaning this sty?" Tyki asked.

"Yeah, when Jasdero grows a broom from his ass and helps me. What do you want, Mikk? I'm busing making a barrier." Devitto responded.

"I want to tell you what I do with all those organs."

"What?"

"I eat them."

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Thanks for reading, folks. I'm not sure whether this should be a one-shot, or a series. I'll see how the cards fall.


	2. The Many Mysteries of Jasdero

For the MoonlitMelody and the folks who wanted more, I proudly present Chapter 2.

Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate it when my readers drop a line. It's really nice of you to take time out of your day to pat my ego.

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"How is a chicken supposed to eat this, hi? It's twice as big as she is!" Jasdero yelled to the Akuma maid. The demon, disguised as a middle-aged woman, looked down at the massive ham it had offered to the Noah and his pet. The slab of meat must have come from a monstrous hog; it weighed in excess of 20 pounds.

"I can slice it, Master Noah. Or I can try to find something smaller." The Akuma offered.

Jasdero kicked the ham from its platter. The silver tray clattered to the ground, while the ham went sailing back through a pair of swinging doors and into the kitchen it had just been retrieved from. Another Akuma, who had been minding its own business, was struck in the head with the ham. It sprung into its demonic form and whirled around, looking for an assailant. When it spotted the meat, it attacked with the twin scythes that served as its arms. In seconds, the ham was reduced to honey-glazed confetti.

"Chickens don't like ham anyway, hi. Why are Akuma so stupid?"

The maid bowed its head. "I don't know why, Master Noah. Mayhap I was born that way."

"Then _mayhap_ you'll die that way, too." Jasdero said. He fumbled for his gun, the chicken perched in his usual shooting hand. When he finally got the gold pistol free, he put it to the useless Akuma's head.

Before he could pull the trigger, something small but vicious tackled him. The chicken scurried away from the ruckus, squawking and flapping its ineffective wings. Jasdero found himself pinned to the floor, and in considerable pain.

"Hi! Get off me, hi! Hi!" He exclaimed.

"You're not Devitto! Why do you two have to dress alike?" Road asked. She was kind enough to get off him, and remove the candle that had imbedded itself in Jasdero's shoulder.

Jasdero grabbed at his injured shoulder and whimpered. "That hurt, hi. What did I do to deserve that?"

Road, still fury incarnate, snapped. "I was looking for your brother. Tyki said he was hiding in here. Are you covering for him?"

"No. No Devitto here. Just me and my chicken." Jasdero said. He pointed over to the chicken, which was pecking and scratching the floor in a futile attempt to stir up something to eat.

"A chicken's a stupid pet, you know. That one doesn't even lay eggs." Road said.

"Road's a stupid name."

"Jasdero is a stupid Noah!"

"Jasdero is not stupid, hi!"

"Why can't you talk right? You're worse than Lero. Adding 'hi' to every sentence is annoying. Maybe I should finish stitching your mouth closed, so I don't have to put up with your voice anymore." Road said.

The deeply offended Noah clamped a hand over his mouth and shot Road the same vulgar hand gesture his twin had given Tyki. Road returned the favor with a smirk, using both hands to emphasize her point.

Since Road was feeling particularly cruel and sadistic at the moment, she decided to really push Jasdero's buttons. "Really though, why are you such a pathetic excuse for a Noah? Were you dropped on your head, or did Devitto once shoot you with a real bullet? Or maybe your mom was a sheep."

"My mom was not a sheep, hi!" Jasdero snarled, taking his hand away so he could shout un-muffled.

Road laughed, loving the reaction she was getting. Like any bully, the best way to defuse her was to ignore her taunts. Tyki and Lulubell knew this; they practiced ignoring her cries of 'play with me or else' at least ten times a day, more so if Lero was absent. Devitto and Jasdero never learned much of anything useful, so their tactics consisted of trying to shout louder than Road. Which was humanly impossible.

"My mom wasn't a sheep, and I can prove it. I've got a picture, hi." Jasdero said.

That made Road stop giggling. Jasdero, who often had trouble remembering where he left his boots when he took them off at night, kept a photograph of his human mother? Road didn't know whether to consider that sweet, or a sign that the blond Noah was a bigger moron than she all ready considered him.

To Road's horror, Jasdero removed his left boot, shook it, and a menagerie of items fell out. Several old, folded photos lay among bottle caps, chicken feathers, and small, river-rounded pebbles. Asides from the hidden treasures, a smell that could have curdled milk and burned off nostril hair emerged from the boot. Road gagged and pinched her nose closed.

"You need to wash your socks right now! I'm going to be sick." Road cried.

Jasdero sniffed the air and shrugged. "It's not that bad, hi. I wash them next week."

"Akuma, smell his foot." Road said to the maid.

The Akuma cringed. "Must I, Mistress Road? Can I not blow myself up, instead?"

"Smell it now!" Road demanded. She truly was a sadist.

With obvious reluctance, the Akuma maid bent forward and took a quick sniff. Jasdero and Road both waited to see the results. They came shockingly fast. Tears began to stream down the Akuma's cheeks. It clutched its nose and stumbled away from the horrid stench.

"It's so bad even the Akuma can't stand it!" Road said.

"I never saw an Akuma cry before, hi." Jasdero added.

"Mistress Road..." The Akuma moaned.

"Get out of here and go smell some flowers or something nice." Road said.

The maid bowed respectfully, its tears forming puddles on the floor. Road looked at the pond the Akuma had created and winced. For the first time in her life, the Noah felt her stomach twist in a way she couldn't explain and certainly didn't like. She assumed this new emotion was 'guilt', something weak humans felt when they did something wrong or against their foolish moral codes. For a Noah to be subject to it was just unconscionable. Even if that Akuma no longer had a sense of smell, she should have been able to laugh at it. Just how powerful was Jasdero's foot odor?

"You're a health threat. Put your shoe back on before the smell kills everybody." Road said.

"Hold on a second. I've gotta find my mom, hi." Jasdero replied.

The Noah dug around among the scattered items, and finally pulled a wrinkled photograph up. He stuck it in Road's face. She kept her hand securely over her nose, because the picture surely smelled as awful as the sock it had been pressed against for who knew how long.

"Uh, 'Dero, I don't think that's your mother." Road said, choking back laughter.

Jasdero turned the picture around and tilted his head. Unless his mother had transformed into a giant, blurry thumb, he had the wrong picture. The Noah folded the photo back up and dropped it into his boot. Most people, when they accidentally photographed their thumb, threw the picture away. Jasdero saved it for posterity. If a wooden frame would have fit into his boot, he would have had the picture framed and further glorified.

"You're so weird." Road said. Jasdero ignored her and began sorting through his numerous snapshots again.

Road began to sort through the pictures one-handed. Most of them featured Devitto, Jasdero, and any combination of the other Noah. More than half of the pictures showed Jasdero's obtrusive thumb covering at least a portion of the photo. One picture was of nothing more than a black boot, one was of a frighteningly large barmaid and the rolling pin she was obviously getting ready to whack Jasdero with, and one picture Road wouldn't dare let go. It showed Devitto doing something positively criminal with Tyki's hat. While Jasdero was occupied with flattening out a particularly abused photo, Road palmed the incriminating evidence. When Tyki saw the picture, Devitto was as good as dead.

After looking through all the pictures at least six times, Jasdero finally admitted, "I guess I lost it, hi."

"You kept a picture of Skin eating ice cream, which he does for ten hours every day, but you lost the picture of your mother? How did you live so long being so stupid?" Road asked.

"Luck."

"You're not serious? You're about as lucky as the number 13." Road said.

"That's my favorite number." Jasdero said happily.

"Of course it is. I'm tired of playing with the village idiot. Help me find Devitto so I can kill him."

Jasdero was more of a follower than a leader, but he knew a bad plan when he heard it. Like Devitto's idea last week to peep in unsuspecting women's windows. Helping Road murder his twin was definitely detrimental to Jasdero's future. Without his brother, he'd be next to useless. They were the Noah of Bonds, and it was quite difficult to bond with yourself. Jasdero knew. He had once bonded his hands to each other with glue, and had been stuck like that for three days.

"I don't want to. My chicken needs food, hi."

Road shouted for one of the numerous Akuma that staffed the kitchen. A butler appeared, bowed before the Noah, and asked what Road needed.

"Get some bread, break it into crumbs, and throw the crumbs on the floor." Road ordered.

"May I ask why, Mistress Road?" The Akuma said. It was forced to keep the floors free of dirt and detritus. Throwing bread all over the place was going to make its job hell. It would take forever to sweep up every last speck of bread.

"Go jump off a cliff." Road said.

Sighing, the Akuma butler plodded out of the room. He wasn't particularly familiar with local geography, so finding a cliff might take a while.

"Somebody who isn't a moron, get this chicken bread crumbs _right now_!" The Noah girl demanded.

The kitchen staff scrambled around, searching for a fresh loaf of bread. One was finally located, and the Akuma that had so expertly mangled the ham made short work of the bread. In mere seconds, the entire floor was dusted in crumbs. Jasdero's chicken thought it had died and gone onto the giant barnyard in the sky. It eagerly began to peck up the scattered bread.

"There, problem solved. Help me find your stupid brother before I just pretend you're him." Road said.

Not wanting another candle jabbed into him today, or any day, Jasdero threw his collection of odds and ends back into his boot and shoved it on his foot. He waved good-bye to his chicken, until Road grabbed his wrist and forced him to stop stalling and get marching. The fowl continued to eat, and made no motion whatsoever to reciprocate Jasdero's fanfare.

"Where would your stupid twin hide if he was in fear for his life?" Road asked Jasdero.

The Noah flicked the glowing orb that dangled from his head and shrugged. "Australia, maybe? No, probably not. Devitto gets sunburned, hi."

Road pressed a hand to her face and groaned. "Why didn't your parents drown you in a river?"

"They must have seen my potential, hi."

"If they were that stupid, someone should have drowned your parents." Road said.

In an uncharacteristically philosophical flash, Jasdero said, "Stupid is as stupid does."

In this case, stupid got his foot stomped on.

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	3. Mimi's Mysterious Stare

Thanks for the reviews! You're nice people!

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"Mimi, would you ask Devitto to stop screaming, please?" Lulubell asked.

Her Akuma servant, disguised as a blue-haired woman, replied. "Of course. Should I threaten to stick this nail file in his eye if he doesn't stop?"

"Whatever will shut him up quickest. I sorely need this manicure and he's delaying it." Lulubell said. She began to wistfully examine her nails, which most women would have sworn off chocolate to possess.

Mimi saluted her, the file still clutched in her hand. The Akuma hurried off, eager to please her precious Lulubell in any way she could. She was also looking forward to the confrontation with Devitto, who Mimi knew Lulubell couldn't stand. The kid was loud, vulgar, dirty, uncivilized, and he bit his nails. Every shining, glorious thing that Lulubell was, Devitto was the opposite.

Outside Lulubell's spacious room, Devitto's shouts became much clearer. He wasn't screaming curse words, or demanding Tyki hand over the cigarettes before it got ugly, or trying to convince his brother to sing whatever rape of the musical world he had scribbled on a napkin during dinner. For some strange reason, he seemed to be yelling about anatomy; the only anatomy he normally cared about either hung from a woman's chest, or was covered by a man's pants. The idea of Devitto caring about a 'heart' or a 'brain' was laughable.

Gripping the nail file like one of the fan blades she normally used to fight with, Mimi marched straight for the sight of the noise. Long before she reached Devitto's room, the smell of the place began to affect her. How could anyone, even a vile little urchin like Devitto, stand to live in such squalor?

"How could you eat _that_? You're sick, Mikk! Sicker than Road, or Lero, or even the Earl himself! He wouldn't even eat _that_!"

Mikk? So Tyki was involved with this, too? Of all the Noah, Lulubell related to Tyki the best. It was probably because he shined his shoes and wore a hat. And was decent enough to keep his room tidy and free of vermin.

"You're a moron, Devitto. They eat it in France. Maybe not from a human, but it's practically the same thing. Besides, it isn't like I didn't cook it first." Tyki said.

"Gross! I'm gonna puke."

"You're such an infant." Tyki said.

Mimi crept closer. What were those two arguing about? What had Tyki eaten that had Devitto so riled up? And why did everyone always feel the need to blame France for all the freaky food in the world? It wasn't like they had discovered eating raw fish, fermented salmon heads, or fruit with a stench powerful enough to cause hair loss.

"I'm never eating dinner with you again! I'll just take my plate, and hide somewhere with it."

"What makes you think the Earl wants all his good china to disappear into the jungle you call your room? Most of what enters this place is never seen from again." Tyki said.

"At least I never ate some exorcist's brain!"

Mimi clasped a hand to her mouth and gasped. Tyki ate brains? Where did he learn about the joys of such a rare and special delicacy? Only people with exceptional palates and daring tastes tried brains. Most diners found the gray matter, and the rest of the offal, to be inedible. Mimi just had to butt into this conversation.

"It was delicious. Pardon me for eating something other than hamburgers and candy."

There was a distinctive gagging noise, and Mimi was unable to tell whether Devitto was actually on the edge of heaving up his lunch, or if he was just exaggerating. She hurried down the hall to see if there was going to be a mess on the carpet. The Akuma supposed that if Devitto was vomiting, he wouldn't have the breath to shout and disrupt Lulubell's daily care regimen.

Tyki picked up the sound of approaching footsteps. He couldn't hear any snarling or cursing, so it probably wasn't Road out for revenge. The walls weren't shaking from the sheer girth of the newcomer, so that ruled out Skin and the Earl. There weren't any intermittent cries of 'hi' or 'Lero', so that eliminated Jasdero and the talking pumpkin umbrella.

"Lulubell, is that you?" Tyki asked.

Devitto, doubled-over and grabbing at his stomach as though he was gripped by mind-rending cramps, suddenly looked up. "Lulu? Did you come to be grossed out?"

"Sorry, but it's just me." Mimi said.

The blue-haired, madly devoted Akuma was a common sight. She was the only creature Lulubell gave more than a passing glance to, except when she glared at the twins and told them to bathe more often. Strangely, instead of fixing her adoring eyes on Lulu, she was giving Tyki a look that was seriously beginning to creep him out. It wasn't an easy thing to do; after all, he had stuck his hand into many a chest cavity.

"Need something, Mimi? Or did Lulubell just tell you to take a walk? If that's the case, you might want to avoid Road. She's wrathful today, thanks to this twit." Tyki said, poking his thumb in Devitto's direction.

"Mistress Lulubell instructed me to silence Devitto! But I heard you talking about brains, and I wanted to know more. Tell me about how delicious they are! Did you fry them with butter, or sauté them with onions, or did you just scarf down the whole head?" Mimi asked.

Devitto stuck out his tongue, and nearly lost it when Tyki grabbed for it. "Silence me, huh? If Lulu wasn't loopy, she'd know it was impossible. I even talk in my sleep. Jasdero told me so. He also says I scratch my ass in my sleep." The Noah said, with far more pride than the statement deserved.

"Charming." Mimi muttered.

"Freak." Tyki said.

"I'm not as big of a freak as Tyki." Devitto said.

"Yes you are." The Akuma and the Noah said simultaneously.

Devitto crossed his arms, than thought better of it. His middle fingers went to work again. With all the use those two digits were getting, they were going to be sore and stiff in the morning.

"You're as bad a toddler." Mimi said.

"He's intellectually stunted. That's why the Earl never bothered to try to give him an education. He knows a lost cause when he sees one. It'd be easier to teach Jasdero's chicken algebra." Tyki said.

Mimi giggled. Devitto stuck his finger right in her face. In response, she stabbed him in the hand with the nail file.

"OW!" Devitto screamed. He clutched at his hand and began to hop around like a drunken rabbit. Despite his reactions, the Akuma's attack had barely drawn blood.

Devitto began to add swears into his cries of anguish. He gave Jesus Christ eleven middle names, told half the world's population to go to hell, and used some variation of the F-word enough times to make Mimi blush and Tyki scowl. Around the ninetieth cry of 'asshole', Lulubell lost her patience and decided to take care of things herself.

"Come off it. It's hardly even bleeding. Go clean it up in the bathroom." Tyki said.

Instead of retreating to the loo to wash and bandage the wound, Devitto did something more worthy of battlefield triage. He stripped off his shirt using just his undamaged hand. To everyone's horror, he began to tear off strips of the white fabric using his teeth. He then wrapped his hand with the cloth strips, and continued to do so until his arm was as bandaged as his brother's.

Mimi stared at the young Noah's naked torso and felt her face grow unbearably hot. She was not used to seeing half-nude teenagers running around, especially not half-naked teenagers with fake tattoos scribbled over their chests. Jasdero, or someone with a simple mind, had drawn in ink and pencil dogs, suns, chickens, and smiling stick-figures with guns.

"Oy! Kid, you're scrawny. You're as thin as the Earl is fat." Tyki said.

"Bite me, Mikk!" Devitto snapped.

If Devitto ever regretted the pure, unaltered, unfiltered stupidity that routinely emerged from his mouth, it was then. He was encouraging a man who was, all technicalities aside, a cannibal to take a nibble.

With a speed Lenalee and her Dark Boots couldn't have matched, Devitto disappeared into his room, slammed the door and ended the conversation. Since he possessed the mind of something to be kept in a terrarium, he failed to realize Tyki could easily float through the walls, floor, or ceiling if he so chose. Devitto also didn't take into account Mimi's brute strength. She could knock the door straight off its hinges if requested to do so.

Before Mimi could destroy the door or Tyki could step through the solid wood, a very irate Lulubell made her entrance. Mimi bowed before her and began to apologize profusely for failing to shut up Devitto's flapping head. Lulubell put a comforting hand on the Akuma's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, Mimi. I shouldn't have sent you to take care of that brat." Lulubell said.

Mimi looked upon her mistress with wide, loving eyes. Her adoring stare, even when not directed at Tyki, made him shift from foot to foot. That Akuma was obsessed. And weird.

"Lulubell, if you really want to punish the kid, change into Road. They're having a tiff, and she's pissed beyond reason right now." Tyki said.

Lulubell's Noah ability granted her the power to change her shape at will. She was content to spend most of her time as a cat, curled up on the Earl's lap. Copying Road was no problem at all.

In the blink of an eye, a vaguely feline woman became a sadistic young girl. Though Lulu rarely used her power, Tyki had always been intrigued by it. There were several forms, all of them attractive, that he had never had the guts to ask her to take. Tyki was too afraid Lulubell would turn into something hideously ugly and powerful, and would step on him.

"Mimi, take out the door, please." Lulubell ordered.

As happy as Jasdero on a chicken farm, Mimi sprung into action. She kicked down the door, flattening the pile of trash Devitto had been trying to use as an additional barrier. As Jasdero would find later, she also ended up destroying a large portion of his furry boot collection.

Devitto's mouth fell open like a fish's when he saw Road silhouetted in his doorway. She was pissed to the extreme. A vein throbbed in her temple and her eyes reflected fire. He was a dead Noah walking.

Tyki wished he had sold tickets to the events that followed. Everyone- exorcists, normal humans, Akuma, and the Earl- would have shelled out serious cash to watch Lulubell in Road's body whack Devitto. Even without a crowd cheering for blood, it was still a nice time.

While Lulubell was fueled by rage over her interrupted manicure, Devitto had the survival instinct to go off of. After enduring several punches and kicks, he managed to scramble away. He ran over the fallen door, sprinted past Mimi and Tyki, and ran smack into Jasdero.

Jasdero was knocked into the air, hit the ceiling, and bounced off. He landed on his head, and not for the first time in his life, either. Road swiveled around just in time to catch sight of Devitto turning a corner. Unless she was mistaken, and she prayed she was, he hadn't been wearing a shirt.

"Hi! I found Devitto!" Jasdero said from the floor. He pointed down the hall.

With that, the chase was on.

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	4. Mysterious Money and Magazines

Thanks for all the reviews! You guys are so kind to me.

AngelicDemon97: Feel free to quote whatever you like.

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"Ten dollars says Road knocks at least four teeth from Devitto's head." Tyki said.

"I don't gamble with American money." Lulubell replied, running a hand through her hair.

"I do, hi! I gamble with anything, even my own body parts. Ten dollars on his hair burning off, hi!" Jasdero said from the floor, where he still laid. He didn't look motivated to get up anytime soon.

"I put ten dollars on a broken limb." Mimi said.

Since Lulubell refused to join in, that made her the automatic bookie. Rolling her eyes at the useless waste of money and time, she reluctantly accepted ten dollars from Tyki and Mimi, and a crumpled, scribbled-on pound note from Jasdero. Like most of his prized possessions, it had come from his boot.

"That isn't fair. A pound isn't worth ten dollars. Fork over something else, or you're out of the betting pool." Tyki said.

Jasdero shrugged, sat up, and began to remove his pants. Mercifully, Mimi and Tyki's cries of horror stopped him in time.

"Never mind. Jasdero's bet stands. Good God, I came this close to losing my eyesight." Tyki muttered.

Mimi, who had thrown her hands over her eyes to save herself from the sight of whatever lurked in Jasdero's pants, dared to remove one hand. "Is it safe?" She asked nervously.

"Yes." Tyki said.

"Maybe." Jasdero corrected, fiddling with the skin-tight waistband of his pants.

Lulubell promptly drove her high heeled shoe into the kid's guts. That eliminated the threat of his pants leaving his body anytime soon.

"Why are you such a pervert?" Mimi asked.

Jasdero rolled around and clutched at his midsection. His breaths came out wheezy and short. "That wasn't nice, hi! My kidney exploded, hi!"

Lulubell rolled her eyes. "Just be happy I didn't aim lower."

"Mistress Lulubell, will you teach me how to deal with perverts like him?" Mimi asked.

"Of course, Mimi. I would thoroughly enjoy seeing you thrash that little degenerate." Lulubell said.

Beaming with joy, Mimi followed behind her mistress. Before they could vanish, Tyki called after them.

"Lulu, don't lose that money. And don't spend it on cat treats, either."

"Tyki-pon, if there's one Noah you can count on, it's me." Lulubell replied.

That was just great. Now Lulubell was calling him Tyki-pon, as well as Road and the Millennium Earl. If Skin or either of the twins picked up his reviled nickname, he'd have to murder them. There was no way in hell he'd have Sweet Tooth or Jasdevi calling him a 'pet'.

Jasdero finally recovered enough to stop moaning. He stood up, looked straight at Devitto's room, and scratched his head. Something was slightly off. There was something missing from the room. What was it?

"Didn't Devitto have a door, hi?"

"Yeah, he did. Up until five minutes ago, when Mimi kicked it in." Tyki said.

Jasdero stuck his head in the room. He gingerly stepped on the fallen door, and then began to happily bounce on it. In mid-leap, he noticed something that looked oddly like one of his boots. Curious, he stopped jumping on the door and picked up the object.

"HI! What happened to my boot?" Jasdero howled.

Tyki took a look at it. "Hm. Looks like it was flattened beneath the door. That bouncing you did probably didn't do it any favors, either."

The door went sailing across the room and obliterated a chunk of wall. Devitto, always assuming Road let him live, would likely enjoy the damage. He seemed to thrive in filth, the same way diseases like cholera did.

Beneath the door, encased in a compressed pile of rotting garbage, Jasdero discovered the sad fate of his furry boot collection. Five pairs of boots, stolen from fashion stores or from the feet of unlucky citizens, were now beyond salvation. Jasdero's eyes filled with tears.

"Kid, they were boots. Why in the hell are you crying over them?" Tyki asked.

"I loved them!" Jasdero sobbed.

"That's the most pathetic thing I ever heard. Throw them out and find yourself a girlfriend or a hamster to love." Tyki said.

Jasdero gathered up the remains of his once-glorious collection and hugged them to his chest. Since the boots had been smashed into the fetid trash heap Devitto called a barrier, they were covered in unnamable filth. That assorted filth was now smeared all over Jasdero's clothes. He became a walking toxic waste dump.

That was enough of that. Tyki was not going to stand in the hall any longer and watch Jasdero mourn the loss of a couple of shoes. Besides, the stink of Devitto's room was starting to make his eyes water. If that lazy little rat didn't at least spray perfume in there, Tyki was going to do something drastic, like help Road paint everything pink and fill the room with teddy bears. A few feminine touches would horrify Devitto and hopefully spur him to action. If that didn't work, Tyki supposed he could always beat the idiot until he complied.

"I'm going to find Road and see if she caught your brother. You need to take a bath before you catch something lethal from all that trash. And dispose of those boots!" Tyki added, when he noticed Jasdero was rubbing one of the boots against his face as though it was a soft kitten.

"But Tyki, I need my boots. They're my fifth favorite thing in the world." Jasdero said.

"Fine, go ahead and keep the putrid things. Whatever disease you catch from that garbage, you fully deserve." Tyki said.

Jasdero grinned. He lived in similar squalor to his brother. If his own room hadn't given him an infectious rash, it was unlikely Devitto's would. The twins, thanks to their shared exposure to unpleasant substances, had immunity to many diseases and most parasites.

Leaving Jasdero to happily wallow in his own filth, Tyki passed into the wall. It was the fastest way to travel, hands down. It was also the best way to elude Road when she needed a playmate and Lero had stashed himself in the Earl's closet.

"If I was Devitto, where would I hide? Damn, why am I even trying to think like that kid? I might as well try to figure out what a papaya is pondering." Tyki said.

While Tyki tried to puzzle out where the death-match between Devitto and Road was going to take place, the two Noah in question were creating a wide path of destruction. Devitto upended several tables in hopes of tripping Road up. She leapt over the obstructions with the ease of an Olympic track star. He shoved an unlucky Akuma who had been dusting pictures at her. She stepped on the Akuma and didn't falter in the slightest. He took an unexpected turn; she followed with the dogged persistence of a mongoose pursuing a cobra.

Devitto was beginning to flag. He wasn't sure how long he had been sprinting, but he was definitely running out of energy. Maybe he should have spent more time building up his lungs, instead of puffing away on pilfered cigarettes.

"When I catch you, I'm going to tear your arms off and use them as boomerangs!"

Road was barely breathing hard! Devitto's chances fell from small to infinitesimal. Unless a miracle happened, he was going to be killed by a little girl.

Tyki emerged from a wall and listened intently for the sounds of bloody carnage. Nothing, not so much as a scream. Road and her prey weren't anywhere close. The Noah stepped back into the wall and moved a little to the west.

The next time Tyki showed his face, he nearly scared an Akuma to death. The Akuma was supposed to be cleaning up a room Devitto and Jasdero had destroyed a week or so ago by shooting everything from the chandelier to the throw rug. Instead of sweeping up the broken glass or throwing the splintered tables away, the Akuma had been reading the penny dreadful horror comics the twins had left lying around. When Tyki popped out of the wall, the Akuma assumed he had come to kill it for shirking its duties and for reading poorly written vampire stories.

"What's the matter with you? Stop pawing at me, Akuma." Tyki said.

"Master Noah isn't here to punish me?" The Akuma asked.

"No. Damn, if you've wrinkled my pants I'll dry-clean your head. Have you heard two people running by, one howling for the other's blood?"

Desperate to get on Tyki's good side, the Akuma nodded frantically. "Yes, Master Noah, not two minutes ago! There was a girl and a boy, I think."

"Thank you. By the way, you might want to consider reading something where naked women aren't ravished by Transylvanian counts out in the foggy marshes. Just a thought." Tyki said.

The Akuma hurriedly kicked the trashy magazine under a jumble of wood that had been an armoire. "I was, uh, just getting ready to burn that, Master Noah."

Tyki shrugged. "Hey, I'm not here to tell Akuma what to read." Having said that, he crossed the room and stepped through the ruined wallpaper.

So overjoyed at being spared, the Akuma could only faint. It would be awoken several hours later when one of its brethren decided it was dead and tried to take a bite.

Judging by how fast Road had taken off after Devitto, Tyki did a quick estimate of how far the two had travelled in two minutes. He moved through the walls, bypassing rooms and hideaways. Hoping he hadn't missed the action, the Noah stepped into the hall.

Not only was he in time for the action, he was suddenly involved in it. His math had been a little too precise; Tyki stepped out not ten feet in front of Devitto. The kid's brain hardly had time to register Tyki's sudden appearance, and absolutely no time to tell Devitto's feet to slam on the brakes. Road's brain worked at several hundred times the speed of Devitto's, so she had time to yell.

"Grab him, Tyki!"

Devitto found himself lifted off the ground and squeezed in an inescapable bear hug. He kicked at Tyki's knees, cursed, and squirmed like a sack full of angry undulating squirrels. Road applauded, a sinister grin across her face.

"Mikk, you goddamn traitor! Let me go, let me go, get off!" Devitto shouted.

"Road, do me a favor and punch him in the mouth a couple of times."

She happily complied.

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I have no idea of the pound to dollar conversion in the 1800's, but today a pound is worth roughly $1.60. It fluctuates.

Incase anyone didn't know, penny dreadful magazines were very popular in the 19th century. They were printed on the cheapest paper, and were, content-wise, the cheapest form of entertainment around. Imagine comic books and amatuer porn combined...


	5. Mysterious Meals and Murder

Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate the kind words. I'm glad you all think this is funny; I try to brighten the world with a bit o' humor and I'm pleased it's working.

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Skin had a short attention span. Not as short as Jasdero's, who was prone to go cross-eyed ten seconds into a lecture, but he wasn't a Noah to entrust a last will and testament to. He couldn't quite remember how long he had been sitting on Road's floor, but he was pretty sure it was time to move. His stomach was rumbling, and that meant it was time to find something sweet.

Instead of walking all the way down to the kitchen and demanding an Akuma find him a few pounds of candy, he decided to raid the secret stash of sweets Road kept in her room. If she threw a fit when she found her candy missing, Skin would just blame it on one of the twins. Stealing was one of their favorite pastimes and Jasdevi had no friends anyway.

Road kept her secret cache of emergency candy under her bed. It was there so, after a hard night of dreaming particularly graphic, bloody dreams in which Allen Walker was subject to all manner of _things_, she could begin her day with a sugar rush. Skin stuck his hand under the bed and began to feel around.

The first thing he pulled out was a dust bunny. It didn't look particularly appetizing, but Skin sniffed it anyway. He ended up sucking the dust bunny up his nose, where it triggered a sneezing fit. The Noah of Rage vowed to destroy all future dust bunnies before they could strike his sensitive sinuses.

Instead of the candy, Skin pulled out one of Road's school books. It was her geography textbook. He never read much of anything, probably because of the aforementioned attention span, but he cracked the abused book open. To his great amusement, it was filled with Road's doodles. They were simple enough even for him to understand.

"Hehe, take that exorcist bastards." Skin said, grinning at one of Road's drawings. In it, a young, female exorcist with long hair was being attacked by knife-wielding dolls. Road was doing unspeakable things to another exorcist. Since Road found impalement with candles romantic, the kid she was torturing was probably her boyfriend. Skin smirked. Love did indeed hurt, if these sadistic sketches were anything to go by.

Eventually even murder and mutilation lost their appeal. Skin tossed Road's graffiti-riddled school book back under the bed so it could be forgotten until it fossilized. His hunger couldn't be satisfied by anything except Road's concealed candy.

Skin's fingers continued scampering around like particularly hairy tarantulas. Eventually, his right hand closed over something. He felt up and down it. It didn't feel like a bowl of candy, or a toy, or anything that normally got swallowed by a bed.

Something snapped sharply under the bed. Skin howled and yanked his hand from beneath the bed. A mousetrap had sprung closed on four of his fingers.

The enraged Noah flung the mousetrap from his screaming fingers and popped the wounded digits into his mouth. He glared at the offending rat-trap, as though trying to set it on fire with his raging stare.

There was a piece of paper tacked to the bottom of the mousetrap. Skin picked it up with his uninjured left hand, while he continued to suck on his clamped fingers. Road had left a note to any hunter trying to steal her sweets.

"If you're reading this note, I hope you're doing it with stubs instead of fingers! Don't steal candy from girls or you get what you deserve!" Skin read.

"Dirty little selfish brat." The Noah fumed.

Then he remembered how Road had brought the fire and fury of Hell itself down on Devitto. Skin sighed. What good was he at being the Noah of Rage when a little sprout of a tomboy sent him scurrying?

Thinking about Road's rage being sharper and scarier than his only served to depress Skin. He crumbled the note up and popped it into his mouth. He was prone to use food as a mood-elevator.

"Not sweet." He muttered around a mouthful of paper. Eating the cloying paper only darkened his mood further. If he got any sadder, he'd begin to compete with Miranda Lotto for the title of most wretched thing on the planet.

The only thing that would cheer Skin up, and get the taste of wet, soggy wood pulp out of his mouth was a sweet, filling meal. If that didn't work, he could always destroy a few of the Akuma servants. Breaking heads, whether they belonged to exorcists, finders, or Akuma, always brought a grotesque smile to the Noah's face.

The Noah was very careful to shut Road's holey door gently. He didn't want to owe her any furniture, because she charged interest. As Devitto was probably finding out, that interest was pain and blood and body parts.

"Hehe, stupid Devitto. He deserved to get smashed up." Skin said.

After taking a few wrong turns, and ending up trapped in a bathroom for five minutes because the door handle was jammed, Skin finally found the dining room. The room had been transformed into a barnyard and an insane asylum. Some Akuma ran around like lunatics, sweeping up the mess left behind by Jasdero's chicken. Other members of the staff shooed the dirty bird away from the dining table, so it wouldn't leave chicken crap all over the fine linens. Three Akuma held back one of their comrades, who had fetched an axe and was apparently trying to kill the marauding chicken. The whole area was covered in feathers, chunks of bread, panting Akuma, and droppings.

"Hey! Forget about that damned duck for a minute and _feed me_!" Skin demanded.

"Feed him the chicken! Feed him the bastard bird! Feed him the chicken!" The axe-waving Akuma yelled from behind the restraining arms of his fellow demons.

"No, Master Jasdero will kill you. Stupid." One of the Akuma said.

Skin looked at the chicken, which was currently being pursued by a desperate and harried maid. The bird was nowhere near big enough to satisfy his hunger. Asides from that, chicken wasn't a particularly sweet meat.

"I don't want the chicken. It's too scrawny." Skin said.

"Feed it to him anyway! Feathers and all!" The Akuma shrieked.

"I don't want it!" Skin yelled back.

Since neither Noah nor Akuma were ever getting into Oxford, they both fell into a shouting match. They barked at each other for the better part of five minutes before a winner was declared. Skin had a bigger, wider mouth and he was finally able to out shout the wriggling Akuma.

"Fine, Master Noah, don't eat the cursed Hell chicken. I'll feed you something else." The Akuma said, lowering his axe.

"I want biscuits with honey, marmalade, chocolate cake, pecan pie, candied yams, lollipops, a sweet boiled egg and it better be sweet, tea with extra sugar, banana pudding, and a dozen cinnamon rolls without raisins! Got all that?" Skin asked.

The entire room of Akuma wore equal looks of shock, akin to the expression of whatever unlucky soul had to wait on Allen Walker in a restaurant. Finally, the chicken-hating Akuma nodded.

"Yes, Master Noah. I shall don my chef hat and cook until my heart explodes!"

"Okay."

While Skin took a seat at the table and prepared to gorge himself on an obscene amount of sweet food, Road continued to take her sweet revenge. Despite her small fists and feet, she was able to bludgeon Devitto effectively. Tyki, who still held Devitto captive, was simultaneously deeply impressed and disturbed.

"Nice punch, Road. The next time you come up against an exorcist, you should just beat him to death, no mind tricks." Tyki said.

Devitto wailed like a bereaved mother. It wasn't right! Men were supposed to be the tougher of the sexes, and women were supposed to fold laundry, cook pancakes and take sexy pictures for people who didn't have enough money for actual prostitutes. They weren't supposed to be able to make men bleed, and sniffle, and need serious first aid before they stained the carpet with blood.

"Kid, I've heard people scream less when their hearts were being torn out." Tyki said.

"Shut up, Mikk! Go die already!" Devitto yelled. Road socked him in the mouth, cutting off anything else he might have had to say.

"Are you sorry for breaking my furniture and making me mad?" Road demanded, waving her small-but-lethal fist in Devitto's face.

"No!"

The small-but-lethal fist connected with Devitto's bare chest. The lung resting beneath the skin, muscle and bone was nearly squashed as flat as road kill. Devitto coughed, spraying spit all over Road's hand.

"Ugh! Tyki-pon, he spit on me!" Road yelled.

"You almost collapsed his lung, I think. It's a reflex, like a knee-jerk." Tyki explained. Damn, did he ever hate his nickname, even from adorable Road.

Road jerked her knee, and it just happened to meet Devitto's soft underbelly. Whatever breath he had managed to catch was expelled in a violent whoosh.

"Are you sorry now, you stupid octopus?" Road demanded.

"Eh!"

"What?" Road drew her fist back.

Tyki stepped back a foot. "Give him a second, Road. He can't talk if he can't breathe."

Road lowered her arm to her side, but kept her fist tightly balled. Devitto gasped a few times before drawing in enough air to properly inflate both lungs.

"Well, stupid? Are you going to get me a nice new chair, or am I going to have to smash your head?"

"You suck."

Devitto was either a moron or a masochist. Judging by the way he howled when Road flattened his foot, he wasn't enjoying the pain. That meant the brat was just a stubborn fool.

"How about now?"

"No."

Road gathered a handful of Devitto's unkempt hair and pulled. "Now?"

"Go screw an Akuma!"

Snarling in frustration, Road summoned one of her candles. She held it so close to Devitto's face his eyebrows began to singe.

"Now?" She asked with a lethal edge in her voice.

"Maybe." Devitto said.

Just as Road brought the candle to the mangled nest of black string Devitto called hair, Tyki pinched the wick and put out the flame. The young sadist glared at him.

"Why'd you do that, Tyki? Don't you want to see his hair on fire?"

"Any other day, I'd say yes. Today, there are extenuating circumstances. Monetary extenuating circumstance." Tyki explained.

Road tiled her head. What was Tyki talking about? How did money and Devitto's head being engulfed in a towering inferno have anything to do with each other? What sort of weird things did Tyki do in his spare time?

"Are you planning on taking out hair insurance on Devitto?" Road asked suspiciously.

Tyki burst out laughing. "Hair insurance? Ha-hair insurance? There's no such thing as hair insurance! I made a bet with Mimi and 'Dero over what damage you'd cause Devitto. If his hair burns off, Jasdero wins and I don't want that."

Road dropped her candle and crossed her arms. "And what did you bet? Something with his face, probably."

"I said you'd knock out at least four teeth. I'm pretty sure you succeeded." Tyki said.

"Tyki Mikk, you're a cheater." Road said scornfully.

"Your card shark boyfriend's the cheater." Tyki muttered.

The female Noah's cheeks colored brightly. "Don't talk badly about my Allen."

Since Devitto's brain was made out of the same cottage cheese his brother's was, he couldn't help but add his own comments.

"Road and Allen sitting on the grass. He reached over and grabbed her-"

Tyki clapped a hand over the kid's mouth. Road flushed from pink to brick red. Her eyes changed from shining gold to bubbling magma.

"Let him go, Tyki." Road ordered.

The murderous tone in her voice was undeniable. If Road had demanded Tyki stop all evil activities, join the priesthood, and remain celibate for the rest of his quasi-immortal life, he would have asked for directions to the nearest monastery. As was, he opened his arms and Devitto dropped out like a particularly stupid sack of corn.

"Shit, shit, crap." Devitto said.

"I'll give you to the count of one to run for it. When I catch you, I'll break every bone in your body twice." Road growled.

Devitto swallowed compulsively. He'd never seen anything as scary as the hellish glow in Road's eyes. She was seriously going to murder him. That sucked.

"Run kid." Tyki advised.

The shirtless Noah needed no further encouragement. The chase, once again, was on.

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"Quasi-immortal: a phrase at least as useless as 'most unique'"- Stephen King

I love that term 'quasi-immortal', no matter how useless it is.


	6. Devitto's Mysterious and Simple Mind

Thanks again for the reviews!

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I'm way too young to die! There's so many things I never got to do. I never had sex I didn't have to pay for and regret the next morning when I woke up with a nasty itch. I never told Jasdero how much I loved his antenna. I never told the Earl I thought his marshmallow body was the cutest thing in the world. No, wait, I'm grateful for that. He'd hit me with Lero until I died.

Thoughts of this nature ran through Devitto's head as he ran desperately for his life. Just once, he wished his uneducated teenage brain would vomit up something poetic. After all, he didn't want his last words to be "son of a bitch." It would look awful carved on a tombstone.

"I'm going to turn you inside out and wear your skin to bed!"

Why couldn't he make decent threats like that? Damn it. Now Devitto was going to die hopelessly jealous, as well as inside out.

Tyki, despite having the longest legs, found it quite hard to keep up with Road and Devitto. Maybe he was getting old; no that was stupid. Road was, despite her pixie face, the eldest Noah. How was that for a mind freak? If she could shame a race horse, Tyki should have been able to at least keep pace. Maybe it was the Teases' fault. They had been feeding voraciously lately, both on unlucky finders and the occasional exorcist. Perhaps it was time to cut down on their food intake.

"Oy, Road, don't kill him until I get there." Tyki called out.

"Tyki-pon better get his butt in gear!" Road said.

Devitto turned a corner and saw a chance opening. An Akuma, broom and duster in hand, was about to enter a room ahead. He threw himself forward, using the last reserves of his energy.

"Master Noah!" The Akuma exclaimed as it was rudely knocked out of the way.

Devitto slammed the door in Road's face. She snarled unladylike curses and kicked the door in frustration.

"Mistress Road and Master Tyki! What brings you to here?" The Akuma asked.

"Idiot extermination. I'm after the jerk in that room." Road said, gesturing towards the door.

"Akuma, if you have any money, you can watch." Tyki said, shrewd businessman that he was.

The Akuma sighed. "I left all my money back in my human suit. Will Master Noah accept an IOU?"

Tyki thought about it for a moment. "You aren't lying about having money, are you? If you are, I'll take another form of payment. Namely your insides."

"No Master Noah! The human body I inhabit has money!" The Akuma squeaked.

"All right, then. Welcome to the death match." Tyki said.

"Can we start?" Road asked impatiently.

Without waiting for confirmation, Road kicked the door open. The room was in serious need of the duster and broom the Akuma still clutched. It looked like it had been cleaned somewhere around the turn of the last millennium, almost 900 years ago. Dust and cobwebs hung on everything, like thick gray shrouds. A closet at the far end of the room was filled with rotted and moth-eaten clothing. What had been a chest of some sort had deteriorated into a half-collapsed box. The air carried the funk of 40,000 years, plus a few unwashed socks.

"Yuck! Is this Jasdero's new room? It's dirty and smells just like his feet." Road complained.

Tyki peered into the room. "Wow. I don't think anyone's been in here for years. I'm surprised the Earl didn't convert it into something. Like a cheesecake factory. He's always wanted one, I'm sure."

Road grinned. There was more blackmail material. Tyki was always taking cheap shots behind the Millennium Earl's back, and Road had amassed enough dirt on her Tyki-pon to keep him wrapped around her finger for years.

"At least it will be easy to track Devitto. He left footprints in the dust." Tyki pointed out.

The idea of stomping Devitto's face forced Road to ignore the musty, flooded-basement smell and the innumerable spiders that had sewed their webs across the ceiling. She stepped onto the floor and sent a small cloud of dust into the air. Her next step crushed an unfortunate arachnid.

"Tyki, there are spiders in here." Road whined.

"You're not _afraid_ of them, are you?" Tyki asked.

"I'm not afraid of anything, silly Tyki-pon. I just don't want spider guts all over my nice new shoes. But I would like to stick a spider right up Devitto's _nose_!" Road said proudly.

"Okay. Try looking in the closet there. One piece of clothing looks unusually new." Tyki said.

Devitto, who had jammed himself next to moldering frilly dresses of a bygone era, cringed. There was absolutely no escape from the closet. He was cornered, trapped like a rat, totally devoid of ideas. He knew he should have concealed himself behind the trunk.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Road sang.

The cornered Noah made a break for it. He kicked the floor, stirring up enough dust to create a smokescreen. Road, Tyki, and the Akuma spectator were temporarily blinded. As quietly as he could, Devitto tried to skirt around them and get to the door.

The dust cloud tickled the Akuma's nose. It snuffed, snorted, and pawed at its snout, trying to quell the sneeze it knew was coming. Unlike a normal person, who expelled only air and occasionally snot when sneezing, the Akuma's sneeze had a little extra.

A fireball bright and hot enough to mimic the sun exploded from the Akuma's mouth. Some Level 2 Akuma had impressive powers; some coughed up fire that was only useful if the enemy was within an enclosed room and not more than ten feet away. This particular Akuma was one of the sad and inglorious latter.

"_Salud_." Tyki said.

The Akuma rubbed its nose. "Thanks, Master Noah. I couldn't hold it in any longer."

"Hey, where's Devitto?" Road asked. She looked around the room, only to find a trail in the dust that lead out the open door.

"I deduce he went that way." Tyki said, pointing out the door.

Road rolled her eyes. "Thanks, Tyki-pon. I never would have figured that out on my own."

While Road hurried out into the hall, Tyki put a friendly hand on the Akuma's shoulder. Most people wouldn't have touched it there, for it sprouted hard, bumpy, armadillo-like plating from its skin. Tyki wasn't particularly offended by most Akuma appendages, and could easily name forty he'd dislike more.

"The death match is on the move. If you want to see it, you'll have to leg it. Let's go." Tyki said.

As soon as Tyki removed his hand from the Akuma's shoulder, the spiny demon fell over. The second he had touched it, the Akuma had gone totally rigid. It was quite hard to tell, since the trapped soul was always standing ramrod straight; it had a bad back from bending over to dust one too many antiques the Earl had totally forgotten about and wouldn't miss if the twins used them as target practice, and slumping was pure agony on its spine. The Akuma had only ever been touched by the Noah in anger: twice it had been punched by Skin, once Lulubell had slapped it, and ten times Devitto had pistol-whipped it for trying to clean too close to his room. It didn't expect civil touching, and it was deathly afraid of Tyki and his hands.

"If it pleases Master Tyki, I think I should stay here and clean. The Earl wants this room suitable by Christmas." The Akuma said.

"But Christmas is four months…" Tyki looked around the room. "Right, then. I see your point. You have a fast-approaching deadline."

"If I haven't died of exhaustion by then, I would love to see another death match." The Akuma said.

"I don't think it'll be a problem. Road's always killing someone." Tyki said.

On the floor, the Akuma looked a bit like a horrendous insect direly in need of swatting. It nodded to Tyki. "Yes, I like killing, too."

"Good, that's a great hobby for a guy like you to have. Keep up the human slaughter. I have to go and watch some blood sport." Tyki said.

As soon as Tyki was gone, the Akuma sprung to its feet. Wielding the feather duster and broom like beautifully honed swords, it attacked the decay and neglect. Dust, bits of rotten furniture, and the occasional spider rudely evicted from its home flew through the air.

It didn't take Tyki long to find Road and Devitto. Her maniacal laughter and his screams, plus the smell of smoke, led Tyki right to them.

Devitto was running around in a circle, beating madly at his head. Road had collapsed to the ground, and was laughing so hard she was crying. The air was thick with smoke, as well as the stench of burning hair.

"Road, now I've got to split money with Jasdero!" Tyki moaned.

"I didn't even do it! It was that Akuma's little baby fireball!" Road roared with laughter.

"Put me out! Put me out! My head's on fire!" Devitto yelled.

"We can all see that, kid. Hold still for a second." Tyki said.

Tyki removed his overcoat. It did seem like a shameful waste to use such a fine coat on saving Devitto, but he was still family. Hoping the coat wouldn't forever reek of smoke and charred hair, which really was one of the most awful smells anyone could ever produce, Tyki threw it over Devitto's smoldering head.

Most of Devitto disappeared beneath the coat. He was sadly short for a teenage boy, and he wasn't likely to grow any taller. After all, Road hadn't hit a growth spurt in centuries.

Devoid of oxygen, the fire died. Smoke continued to curl from the decimated mess that had been Devitto's hair. After giving it a minute to thin out, Tyki grabbed his coat and examined it. It stunk.

"My hair. It's gone." Devitto muttered. His eyes were open in an unseeing thousand yard stare. He was definitely in a state of shock.

"And my coat smells like a Yeti was roasted inside it." Tyki said.

Road rolled onto her stomach and pounded her fists against the floor. Devitto was as bald as Lero! She had never seen anything so funny in her whole life.

Devitto continued to stare at a blank spot of wall. Tyki knew the expression; he'd seen it on the faces of quite a few exorcists right before they parted ways with their hearts. It was a look he always associated with total acceptance of death.

"Don't be so pathetic. It's just hair. Get up." Tyki said.

"No, keep being so pathetic!" Road said as she clutched her sides. She had been laughing so hard it was starting to hurt. For some reason, the pain in her ribs made the whole situation even funnier.

Tyki rummaged around in his ruined coat until he found his pack of cigarettes. He opened the pack and removed a smoke. "If I give you one of these, will you blink, please?"

"Give me the pack." Devitto said in a monotone voice. He absolutely refused to end his staring match with the wallpaper.

"Bastard." Tyki said.

Devitto didn't reply. Tyki sighed in exasperation. He had just gotten these cigarettes; only two had been smoked. He was loath to give the shell-shocked runt such a gift.

"How about half?" Tyki offered.

"Deal." Devitto said.

Tyki handed over nine cigarettes. As though resurrected by the touch of God, Devitto sprang to life. He snatched the offered cigarettes and stuck his tongue out at Road.

"You were faking, you sick little monkey." Tyki said with disgust.

"And you fell for it, stupid Mikk! I don't care that much for my hair. I haven't washed it since last Tuesday. 'Dero's the one with the 'golden locks'." Devitto said.

"I'll kill you!" Tyki snarled.

"I'll help!" Road offered.

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	7. The Mysterious Mess

Sorry this took so long. I had a Batman fic I had neglected for waaaaaaay too long that was sorely in need of an update.

Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you all seem to enjoy Devitto's misery and baldness.

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The Millennium Earl, back from a productive day of tricking the bereaved, was looking forward to a nice meal with his family. He couldn't expect a quiet meal, or a meal without gun play, or a meal that didn't end with someone steaming and someone else bleeding, but he had come to accept that. If he didn't, he would have killed all his Noah children and tried to find slightly less deranged individuals a long time ago.

"Lero, Lero, Lero! What a nice day we had." The umbrella said cheerfully.

"Yes. There's nothing like a terrible tragedy to produce Akuma. I wish mines would collapse more often." The Earl said.

Lero floated happily by the Earl's side. He was relieved to get away from Road for the day. Unlike the Earl, who was happy to treat him like an umbrella ought to be treated, the troublesome girl sat, stood, and rode Lero like a witch's broom. Just like anyone else, Lero didn't like having his face stepped on.

"Do you want to come to dinner, Lero?" The Earl asked.

"Lero would rather not be attacked by Road-sama tonight, Lero." Lero replied.

The Millennium Earl nodded knowingly, like a Santa Claus sage. "She is so eager. So cute, too. They all are."

Since Lero didn't know how to respectfully disagree, just how to fly at someone like a hornet and berate them, he kept his mouth shut. If the Earl wanted to believe his severely flawed Noah were perfect angels, it wasn't Lero's job to correct him.

"I wonder what's for dinner. I'm thinking pasta. What do you think, Lero?" The Earl asked.

"Chicken!" Lero shrieked.

The Earl patted his stomach, which was the size of the Indian subcontinent. "Chicken alfredo would be delicious."

"No! Lero sees a chicken!" The umbrella said.

Jasdero's chicken came flying through the air and hit the Millennium Earl in his eerily wide grin. It bounced off his teeth, hit the floor, and began to run and flap its wings. Behind it, several Akuma, each on the verge of tears from the horror the fowl was putting them through, tried desperately to catch up to the bird.

"We need a net!"

"No, we need to get a hammer! The chicken has to die! It has to!"

"Master Noah's chicken must be protected! Maybe we can lure it back with more food."

The Akuma bickered among themselves until one of them finally realized they were standing in the presence of the Earl. It jabbed at its brethren, until they shut up and noticed the strange look the Earl and Lero were giving them. In an instant, the Akuma were crawling around on the floor, begging for forgiveness and promising to pay more attention.

Lero floated past the kowtowing and sobbing Akuma into the dining room. He took one quick look around the room before darting back to the Earl with terrible news. Dinner would have to be postponed, at least until some of the chairs were glued back together.

"Lero! The Akuma smashed the furniture and there're feathers everywhere! Lero has never seen such a sight!"

Without the usual giddy bounce in his step, the Millennium Earl walked into the dining room. The place looked as though a powerful cyclone had blown through a chicken farm, and then deposited all the garbage from the farm directly in the Earl's path. The table cloth was torn full of holes, most of the chairs had been knocked over, a chunk that looked strangely like a bite was missing from the table, and the floor was covered in bread crumbs, feathers, and Akuma that had passed out from exhaustion.

The only creature in the room unperturbed by either the chicken or the path of destruction that followed it was Skin. He was propped up in one of the few chairs that hadn't suffered cataclysmic damage. In front of him were several platters of food. He was merrily eating, oblivious to the war zone that surrounded him.

"Are you ruining your appetite with sweets?" The Earl asked.

Skin looked up from his pie. "No. It's just a snack. Want a cinnamon bun?"

The Noah offered the Earl a half-eaten sticky bun. Lero stuck his tongue out in disgust. What was wrong with Skin, trying to feed the Earl his leftovers? Where was his respect? If the umbrella wasn't so afraid Skin would cover him in ranch dip and eat him, he would have scolded the Noah for his bad table manners.

"No. Where is everyone else?" The Earl asked.

Skin shrugged his broad ape-like shoulders. "Don't know. I haven't seen them in more than an hour."

"And where were they the last time you saw them?" The Earl pressed.

"In Road's room."

"Are they still there?"

"No. Devitto broke Road's chair, so she's going to kill him. I don't know where they are now, or if Devitto's still alive. Probably not."

The Millennium Earl sighed. This was not what he wanted to come home to. He wanted food; what he got was violence, destruction, unwanted pets, and messiness.

The Akuma that had been trying ever so hard to contain the chicken of mass destruction were now faced with the Earl. The rotund, grinning Earl scanned the assorted group of demons. Each of them cowered before his terrifying smile.

"How are your carpentry skills?" The Earl asked. "I need the chairs, at least seven of them, strong enough to sit on. Form in not the problem; I only care about function."

"So they can be ugly, as long as they won't collapse?" One of the Akuma asked.

"Yes!" The Earl said. He flashed the creature a particularly wide smile. The Akuma shuddered in response.

One of the Akuma, who somewhat resembled a giant spider, raised its clawed hand. "I, uh, spit sticky stuff. That'll help."

The Earl was beginning to wonder if maybe he shouldn't just have a traditional Japanese dinner and sit on the floor. It would certainly be easier, and involve far less fuss. It would also require less Akuma-spit. Generally speaking, the less spit a situation involved, the more pleasant it was.

"I wish you all the best of luck. Remember, seven seats!" The Earl said.

With a distraught Lero floating by his side, the Earl bounced out of the dining room and towards Road's room. Even if the Noah weren't there, it was the best place to start. The room might offer some clues as to where they were currently hiding.

The Earl was hardly removed from the chaos of the kitchen when he spotted Jasdero. The abnormal blond was kneeling on the floor, in front of a potted plant. Enough tears to simulate Victoria Falls were falling from the Noah's eyes.

"Jasdero! What's the matter, my poor boy?" The Earl asked.

"Lero! Have you done something to that plant?" Lero demanded.

Jasdero sniffed and wiped at his nose. "I'm having a funeral, hi."

Since there were no open fields, or even actual flowerbeds, the only available dirt in the mansion held potted plants. Jasdero had been roaming around with his collection of flattened boots, uprooting plants, burying the boots in the pots, and then jamming the plants back on top. A trail of soil and fallen leaves marked his path. He had just buried his final boot, and was weeping in remembrance.

"Who died?" Lero asked.

"My b-boots! Hi, Jasdero lost his boots! All except for the pair on his feet." The Noah sobbed.

The Earl and Lero exchanged equally perplexed looks. Neither of them was going to eulogize footwear. The Earl and his umbrella silently decided to get out of there, just in case Jasdero's obvious insanity was catchy.

"Yes, that's terribly sad. When you've said your piece, you should go to dinner. I'm sure that will cheer you up." The Earl said brightly.

Jasdero nodded sadly and wiped his spigot of a nose again. The Millennium Earl could safely say he had seen people whose entire families had perished that looked cheerier than Jasdero. Maybe it was time to get the boy some sort of help.

"Not to intrude on this solemn occasion, but do you know where the others are?" The Earl asked.

"I heard Devitto scream from that direction, but that was ten minutes ago, hi." Jasdero said. He pointed absently to his left.

With Lero now leading, eager to get the hell out of there, the Earl walked off. He supposed, if the Noah were fighting, he would hear it long before he saw anyone. Both Devitto and Road had voices loud enough to be heard in mainland China. Surely, they wouldn't be hard to find.

Devitto didn't stand a chance against the combined efforts of Tyki and Road. He had hardly taken off when Tyki phased through the wall like a well-dressed ghost. Devitto tried to change direction, only to find himself blocked by Road. She was grinning broadly; when Road grinned like that, people around her got nervous and often got killed.

"You scummy little sneak-thief. Give back those cigarettes or I'll take out your lungs." Tyki hissed.

"And I'll kick your butt until it falls off!" Road chimed in.

Bald, reeking of smoked and burned hair, and about to be trounced, Devitto clung stupidly to the smokes. He wasn't giving up his hard-won prize until they were pried from his cold, dead fingers. Judging from the severe scowl on Tyki's face, it might not be all that long until his cigarettes were returned.

Since Tyki was taller, he grabbed Devitto by the shoulders and lifted the kid straight off the ground. Road let out a squeal of delight. She had easy access to Devitto's soft underbelly, and was more than ready to pummel his kidneys to pulp and his liver to mush.

"Let me go, I just want to smoke! Damn it, Mikk, you said I could! Shit, it isn't like you haven't got more cigarettes!" Devitto whined.

"It's the principle of the thing, brat. I thought you were traumatized; I'd never be so nice to you normally. Now give back what's mine and maybe I won't replace your heart with a baked potato." Tyki warned.

Devitto squirmed and wriggled like an angry undulating sack of squirrels. Tyki tightened his grip, and actually let his fingers slip inside Devitto's skin. Though he chose not to hurt the kid, seeing Tyki's gloved fingers disappear into the scarce meat of his shoulders shocked Devitto into stillness.

"That's the grossest goddamn thing in the world. Get your hands out of me." Devitto said.

"I thought eating those exorcists' organs was the grossest thing you'd ever heard. Come on, it's not that bad." Tyki said.

Road bounced like a beach ball. "Tyki, take out his uvula and stick it in his armpit!"

"Guys don't have uvulas, stupid!" Devitto shot back.

"Yes they do. I don't know where your mind is, but the uvula is that dangly thing in the back of your throat." Tyki replied.

"Oh. I was thinking of that dangly thing inside your pants." Devitto said.

Tyki sighed. "Do you ever think of anything else?"

"Yeah, boobs and smoking!" Devitto said.

Tyki lowered Devitto so Road could slap him for his disgusting, perverted mind. She happily complied, and the sharp ring of her open palm connected with his dirty face echoed loudly. Devitto's following curses traveled farther.

The Earl's large ears picked up a very colorful sentence. He had been alive a long, long time and could never recall hearing so many curse words packed into so small and area. Lero, too, had apparently heard the less then polite phrases, and was quite outraged by them.

"Devitto needs to have his mouth washed out with soap, Lero!" The umbrella said.

"I've tried it several times. He just eats the soap and laughs about belching bubbles." The Earl said sadly.

"Then you should spank him with a big wooden paddle." Lero said.

Wondering if he could carve a redwood tree into a giant spanking paddle, the Earl followed the steady stream of curses. Lero continued to grumble about Devitto's vocabulary, though it was the umbrella's nature to complain. The Earl was willing to forgive bad language, so long as he was able to eat soon. If he didn't get some food in him ASAP, he might just become a little less smiley and a lot more frightening.

As bad as Tyki and Road might have been, the last thing Devitto would ever want to see was an angry Lero-wielding Millennium Earl. Little did he know, he would soon be faced with just such a sight.

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	8. The Millennium Earl's Mysteries

Thanks so much for all the people who reviewed and favorited this! You guys rule!

MoonlitMelody: I did indeed use the phrase back in Chapter 3 or 4. You caught it.

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The Millennium Earl had seen some odd things in the many centuries of his life. He had once known a Level 2 Akuma that looked like toilet bowl. It was a mercy when an exorcist cut down the poorly shaped creature. Compared to what he saw at the end of the hall, though, the loo-like Akuma had been nearly normal.

Devitto, shirtless and as bald as an old man, was rolling around on the floor with a very angry Tyki Mikk. They were grabbing at each other and making odd noises, and if not for the way both of them were foaming at the mouth, their actions would have appeared highly sexual. Road was clapping and cheering on the action, encouraging Tyki to remove Devitto's organs and replace them with everything from stuffed animals to Lero.

"What's going on here, Lero? Where is Devitto's shirt? And his hair?" The umbrella bawled.

Road looked up and noticed a horrified Lero and a confused Earl staring at her. The girl waved energetically.

"Hi Millennie! Did you come to watch Tyki-pon do surgery on Devitto's brain?" Road asked.

The Millennium Earl inched closer. He didn't want to get too near Devitto, lest the charred teenager accidentally grab him and pull him into the fray. Lero looked as though he would rather jump in a pool of lava than get any closer.

"What's going on, Road?" The Earl asked. He wasn't completely sure he wanted to know all, if any, of the details.

"Devitto killed my chair, so I chased him. And then Tyki joined in, and I beat Devitto up. Then he hid in this musty old room and the Akuma that was supposed to be cleaning set his head on fire. And then Tyki gave him cigarettes but Devitto tricked Tyki by pretending to be traumatized and so now they're fighting over the cigarettes." Road explained.

"Yeah! They're my smokes now!" Devitto growled.

"You scrawny little bastard! They aren't yours, they're mine." Tyki said.

The two Noah continued their brawl. Devitto tried to bite Tyki's hand, only to have his teeth clamp together and nearly sever the tip of his tongue. The teenager had forgotten Tyki could reject touching everything but Innocence, and wasn't going to let Devitto's moldy teeth sink into his hand. With his tongue now bleeding, Devitto was more determined than ever to not let his effort go to waste.

Tyki grabbed hold of one of Devitto's scarecrow-thin arms. Unfortunately, that arm wasn't connected to the hand that held the cigarettes. Unwilling to forfeit his prize, the brat did the one thing that made sense. He hurriedly jammed his free hand down the front of his pants. No matter how badly Tyki needed his tobacco fix, he was _not_ going in there.

"Still want them, Mikk? Devitto taunted.

"You don't wear underwear! Of course I don't want them!" Tyki replied. "Disgusting little barbarian."

Lero's pumpkin head turned from orange to green. He could just imagine the horror of Devitto's skin-tight, torn and ripped black pants and whatever lay underneath them. The golem nearly fainted from fear. The Millennium Earl also lost some of his normal coloration. It wasn't easy to sicken a guy who preyed on the anguished loved-ones of the recently deceased, all though Devitto, in all his half-naked glory, did it without a problem.

"So what if I don't wear underwear? You got a problem with that?" Devitto asked.

"Yes! My goddamned cigarettes are contaminated! Why do you have to _suck so badly_?"

"You suck! You suck on, eh, on the Earl's hat!" Devitto replied.

The Millennium Earl's eyes rolled up behind his glasses and he looked at the brim of his cheerfully adorned top hat. The very idea of Devitto slobbering on his hat like a St. Bernard with overactive salivary glands made the Earl's round body quiver. If the Noah ever tried to pull such a thing, the Earl would be forced to take immediate and instantaneously lethal action.

Tyki punched Devitto squarely in the face. If the kid was ugly before, he was going to make a pug look like a god by the time Tyki was done rearranging his features. Road stopped waving at the Millennium Earl and went back to cheerleading the excessive violence.

"That blood's never coming out of the carpet, Lero!" Lero cried.

It took a while for the Earl to recover from the idea of Devitto molesting his hat. To add to his horror he remembered, some time ago, Tyki going on a similar rampage. It was a well-deserved bloodbath, because Tyki had caught the perverted younger Noah doing terrible things to his own top hat. Tyki had never enlightened anyone as to exactly what those 'terrible things' were, but the smarter Noah, and certainly the Earl, figured it out.

Before Tyki could knock Devitto's nose to his hairline, the Earl decided to step in. The Millennium Earl hated to see expensive livery ruined, and Tyki was certainly staining his very fine suit with blood that wouldn't wash out. Not to mention, as Lero was practically sobbing about, all the gore getting on the floor and now the wallpaper. It would be an enormous pain to redecorate one little section of hall and the Earl was digging the décor too much to change the whole area.

Like a teacher wading in to break up a fight on the school yard, the Earl strode toward the massacre. Road apparently believed the addition of the Earl was going to lead to more guts and blood, because she began to encourage him to fight. He wasn't planning to; he just wanted to drag Tyki and Devitto down to the dining room so they could eat.

Maybe the vibrations in the floor from the Earl's footsteps alerted Tyki. He stopped abusing the brat, who was hardly recognizable as human, and looked up. The Earl was smiling, though that didn't mean anything. The guy was _always_ smiling. With a mouth like that, he couldn't help it. Even at his most enraged, the Millennium Earl was a grinning joker.

"Don't you think you've done enough to him, Tyki?" The Earl asked.

Tyki looked down at the bloody squashed mess and shrugged. "I guess he can't get any uglier. Not like he was handsome before or anything."

Devitto had obviously suffered some severe head injuries. After lying on the floor unresponsive while Tyki poked at him for a few minutes, the kid finally opened his eyes. Well, eye. His left eye was so swelled up it was impossible for him to see out of it.

The Noah sat up with great difficulty. No one was all that keen on helping him; Lero especially floated back, hiding behind the impressive girth of the Earl. Once he was sitting, he brought and hand to his mouth and spat out half a dozen teeth.

"Whoa. Are those going to grow back?" Road asked, peering at the shattered teeth with eager curiosity.

"Yeah, probably." Devitto slurred. He ran a finger over the gaping holes in his smile. The light touch was enough to dislodge another tooth that had been hanging on by a thread of blood vessels.

"I had a tooth knocked out while I was in my white form. It grew back in about a week." Tyki offered.

Road snorted. "Right, when that guy you dig in the dirt with hit you with his pick axe. You've got really great human friends, Tyki-pon."

"He was half-drunk and don't call me Tyki-pon!" The Noah yelled.

"Why don't you go on to dinner, Tyki-pon? There'll be sushi." The Earl said.

Grumbling about his stupid nickname and how badly he hated it, Tyki trudged off. He supposed he could find Lulubell at dinner and declare himself the winner. He might be able to avoid paying Jasdero on a technicality. Devitto's hair was gone, but it had been an Akuma, not Road, who had burned it up.

"I don't like sushi! It's cold and slimy and smells like a pond. What am I going to eat?" Road asked.

"Hamburgers." The Earl replied. "Or chicken alfredo if the Akuma managed to make it."

"Yum. Millennie, can we have a taco and burrito night? Or how about pancake night? Oh, oh, we've got to have a teriyaki night! How about tomorrow?" Road asked.

"Eat my _teriyaki_!" Devitto howled.

Road, Lero, and the Millennium Earl stopped imaging the joys of future dinners and all gave Devitto reproachful looks. He was probably bleeding inside what little brain he had, but that was no reason to make dirty comments that didn't even make sense.

"Maybe you should just go to bed without supper." The Earl said.

"I don't wanna eat with Mikk anyway!" Devitto replied.

"And why not? What's wrong with Tyki-pon?" The Millennium Earl asked.

"He sucks monkeys and needs to die."

Tyki, who hadn't made it far because he was dragging his feet, turned around in a flash. He leapt at Devitto, intending to put his hand straight through the kid's head and yank off his naked scalp. Luckily for Devitto, and his singed scalp, the Earl grabbed Tyki in mid-pounce and dragged him back.

"Tyki-pon, if you don't go to dinner right now, I will revoke your smoking privileges for the rest of the month!" The Earl warned.

"But it's only the first week of the month! If I can't smoke for that long, I'll go insane and die." Tyki complained.

"Do it! Let him die a slow and cigarette-less death." Devitto said.

"Why can't we throw Devitto in the bottom of a well and let rats eat him?" Tyki asked.

The Millennium Earl secretly considered the idea, and decided if worst came to worst, he did know of several deep holes that could come in handy. However, he wasn't in the mood to plot murder. He was growing hungrier by the second. The hungrier he got, the shorter his temper burned and the closer he came to nuclear meltdown.

Instead of congratulating Tyki on his sadistic imagination, the Earl pointed down the hall, in the direction of the dining hall. "Go before the sushi spoils."

"One more punch?" Tyki asked.

"No."

"You just wait until after dinner, brat." Tyki said.

Devitto flipped him the bird. Tyki scowled, but continued to move away. He was pretty hungry himself. A man burned a lot of calories administering such a violent and bloody beat down.

"You can go too, Road dear. I'll be just a moment. You don't want Skin to eat all the good food."

"Don't you steal my seat, retard!" Devitto said.

"Millennie! You should punish him." Road cried.

"I don't wanna eat with stupid Road, either. She won't eat my broccoli for me." Devitto complained.

"Broccoli's gross and you spit in it! Tyki's right. We should push you down a well and let rats eat you." Road said.

The Earl's head was filling up with the dull buzz of anger. His vision was taking on a red tint, and he could feel his blood pressure spiking as his blood sugar fell from lack of food. Maybe he should have taken that half-eaten cinnamon bun after all.

"ENOUGH!" Lord Millennium roared.

Road squeaked in terror, Lero gasped, and Devitto covered his ears. Without even being asked, Road scurried away. Unless she was mistaken, and she would bet a year's worth of candy that she wasn't, there was going to be some serious hell breaking lose in about three seconds.

"Do I really, really have to eat with them?"

The Earl grabbed Lero's handle and wielded the umbrella like a barbarian on the war path would wield an axe. He raised the umbrella up, ignoring Lero's babble, and brought him down squarely on Devitto's mostly empty head. Devitto went cross-eyed from the blow.

Another two or three whacks later, Devitto was unconscious on the floor. The Earl took hold of the Noah's wrist, and began to drag him down the hall. Lero was floating in a drunken line; Devitto had an unusually hard head, and Lero did not enjoy being used as a bludgeon on the kid's skull of stone.

Back in the dining room, everyone was more or less settling down. Skin had hoarded a great amount of the food the Akuma had served. He had an entire roasted turkey sitting in front of him, as well as a bowl of candied yams, sweet corn, and a honey-glazed ham. Tyki had found his chair glued together by some Akuma's spidery spit, and was less than pleased about it. Road was teasing Jasdero, who was sobbing into his bowl of soup. Jasdero's chicken strutted around under the table, pecking at feet and any food that fell from Skin's gaping maw.

The Earl arrived with a dazed and bloody Devitto in tow. He handed the kid off to the spider Akuma, and ordered the creature to secure him to a chair. The Akuma scurried over to a recently repaired seat, propped Devitto in it, and spat a cocoon of white silk around him to keep him in place.

"No reason to wait for him to wake up! Dig in!" The Earl said heartily.

As though he was a machine built for the sole purpose of eating, the Earl inhaled a bowl of pasta in seconds. Road stopped poking weepy Jasdero with her salad fork long enough to admire the Earl's ability to consume. She was instantly reminded of her beloved Allen. One day, she was going to make him have an eating contest with the Earl.

After at least sating the earthquake in his guts, the Earl looked across the table at the faces of his children. Something unusual was going on with all of them. Lulubell, for some reason, was dressed in karate gear, complete with black belt around her waist. Tyki was frowning at a wrinkled piece of paper and casting baleful looks at Jasdero and Lulu. Jasdero didn't snap at Road, even when she stuck her spoon in his ear and hid her green beans in his hair. He continued to add tears to his soup and dribble snot from his nose. All in all, he was quite the appetite-killer. Devitto moaned something about his pants, but didn't wake up to ruin an all ready sad affair.

Hoping to see what weirdness had transpired while he was out, the Earl banged his spoon against his wine glass to get everyone's attention. Road flicked another bean at Jasdero before turning to the Millennium Earl. Tyki tucked the paper into his pocket. Jasdero blew his nose in the tablecloth and turned his beaten-puppy, watery eyes towards the Earl.

"I was just wondering what happened today and why some of you are so wretched." The Earl said.

As he would learn in the uproar of screams, sobs, and curses that followed, some questions were just better left unanswered.

THE END!

Expect more soon!~


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